I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My wedding will be open casket.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
lmfao
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Limited budget
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet