I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes