I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
goldfish mafia
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.