Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

You better watch out

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

You learn something every day