I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
You Might Also Like
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.