I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
How all things should be taught/explained.
🖤✌🏽
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized