I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
New favorite tiktok
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me, flirting😏
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.