I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*