I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.