Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?