I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Rooting for the overdog
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Had a spot of bother earlier.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.