@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

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@RodLacroix

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@MayaIsLoading

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!