I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Finally!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.