I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.