I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Perfection.
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE