Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.