I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.