Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

the dark web is just a goth google.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel