I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.