I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Ok but actually
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.