Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

In banana years, I am bread.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six