Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

A wise man once said nothing.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef