I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
🧠
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife