I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks