I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Ummm
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too