I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
We made a comic about a space heater.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I need to sieze this.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.