I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My mother had eight kids. She didn鈥檛 have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn鈥檛 mean they鈥檒l love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My wife and I don鈥檛 often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I鈥檓 glad it鈥檚 for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I鈥檓 still in my 40s.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.