I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
i want to work in this restaurant
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles