Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Frog purse.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime