Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

His flabber was gasted 😂

We’ve all been there…

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.