I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.