I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.