I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
neighborhood watch
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
found my next D&D character name
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out