Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando