I WON A HAM TODAY
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.