I WON A HAM TODAY
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants