I WON A HAM TODAY
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“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
God has abandoned us.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?