I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey