Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.