I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
so, is there a mister shapen head
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Siri: Retweet me.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles