I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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My birthstone is a marshmallow.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Life hack
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird