I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
wut hotdog?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb