I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.