I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
omg leave her alone
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.