I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?