I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Managing expectations
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”