I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you know, you know
yea so i messed up lol
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Just a bush.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks