I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
the official breakfast of 2021