[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
they’ve hired a PR firm
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
What exactly does BYOB mean?
“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.