Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite female superhero

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Reporter: *ports again*

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh