I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.