I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Great acting.. 😂
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
There are no pants in heaven.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry