I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
im gay on my mothers side
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”