Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.