I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
How is it still this week?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us