@hasht4g

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

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@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@Dirty_Naomi

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@GMPaiella

The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@apowerfulbird

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that

@mattZillaaaa

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

@Classy_Cassy89

If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.