I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend


Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.


My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.


The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market


“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that


People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.


If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.