@Prof_Hinkley

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

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@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

@jihyoskatara

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

@LuckoftheDraw86

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

@LlamaInaTux

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

@junejuly12

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

@samuelhlowe

The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.

@Brampersandon_

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

@jobrowneyes

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

@Verity_Holloway

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

@notmythirdrodeo

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!