I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car