I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

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ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af


white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages


I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.



girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.


*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*


The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.


I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.


*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math


I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.


my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!