I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*cough*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
