I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Bloody internet 😳
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name