I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
🙂🙃🥹
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.