I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
December birthdays be like…
🤣😂🤣
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.