I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.