I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.