I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
