I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
yeah no that’s fair
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with