I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I think I’m having a stroke
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.