I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate