I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”