I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
