I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
wishing you and yours all the best
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try