I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Not today, today.
Not today.
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Me: Same
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Shower sex be like:
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
