I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?