I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.